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'Zappp!'
That is the sound of high power particle beams nearly hitting my ship.
"Warning, warning, hostile craft, hostile craft."
That is my computer. I'm going to reprogram it one of these days.
"I know that you dratted piece of metal! Tell me something I don't know!"
That is me. Panicking. I don't always panic, just when someone is shooting at me.
"This unit has a backup personality."
"I know that! Who's shooting at me! That's what I want to know!"
"Hostile craft is Durham."
Durham. In old Terra, it means Copy-Cat. Good description. They copy everything. Particle beams were originally Terran. The Durham copied that, and, I must admit, made it a lot better. As to the cat part, they look like a centaur. However, instead of a horse body, think of a cat body. A big cat, like a tiger, a lion, or something like that.
'Zappp! Zapppp! Fzzzzzzz!'
Fzzzzzzz? What does 'Fzzzzzzz' mean?
"Why are the Durham shooting at me?"
"Insufficient information"
"All right, how do we get away?"
"Insufficient information"
"Oho, I see. You were damaged. That's why there was a weird fizzling sound. That explains everything."
"Insufficient information"
"Be quiet."
"Insufficient information"
'Zappp! Zappp! Zotttt! Zrrrrrrr!'
"Open a channel to the Durham vessel."
"Beep."
"Nevermind, I'll do it."
"Wrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
Contacting another vessel is ordinarily hard to do without a computer. Different ships use different radio frequencies, and some use laser beams to communicate. That is just short-range communication. Long range is even harder to do without the computer. However, with the Durham, it's easy, short range, at least. If your species have been in contact with the Durham for more then a year, then you can contact them using any of the methods that your ships use. You can see that we were very literal in nameing the Durham, can't you.
"Good morning, afternoon, evening, or whatever time you are operating on. Why are you shooting at me?"
"You have intruded in our space. You will be destroyed."
"Your space? This is everyone's space. You can't shoot me! Anyway, I have a diplomatic pass, so even if I was in your space, you still wouldn't be able to shoot at me!"
"Tough luck."
"Tough luck! You'll see some tough luck yourself if you don't stop shooting! The Terran goverment will go to war!"
"There is a 95% probability that the Durham will survive such a war. There is a 98% probability that after we survive such a war, the Durham will be the only advanced race in this quadrant. You will be destroyed."
The Durham love precentages. Don't know why, but it drives me crazy.
"Well, I'm afraid I can't let you do that."
"Good bye. It was nice knowing you. Please have a nice day."
'Zappppp! Zapppp! Zrrrrrrrrr! Fzzzzzzzz! Zapppp!"
So, a quick review. It seemed that I would be reprogramming my computer sooner than I had planned. I had Durham shooting at me, and without a computer, I couldn't do any long distance flying. This was not good. Wait a minute, didn't my computer say something about a backup personality? A backup personality controls everything, so then I would be able to get out of here. If the Durham hadn't fried my engines. A couple of minutes poking buttins and dodging enemy fire, and I had a (relatively) new computer.
"Greetings, how are you? I'm fine, thank you so much for asking. My name is Bob, what's yours?"
"Uh, Jessica. Can you plot a course to..."
"Gee, hi Jessica! It's so nice to meet you! Where do you want to go? Timbukto? Hahaha!"
"No, I want to..."
'Zappp! Zappppp! Zap, zap!'
"Say, are those Durham ships shooting at us? What did you do? Is there an interstellar war going on?"
"Yes, nothing, and no, but if you don't stop talking, there might be. Now, plot a course to Betelgeuse."
"Where?"
Betelgeuse! Don't you know where Betelgeuse is? You know, the shoulder of Orion!"
"Oh! I thought you said 'Belt to Grease'. Sorry."
"I forgive you, now GO!"
"Why not shoot them?"
"What? I'm supposed to be on a peaceful mission! I can't shoot at them!"
"Why not? Who started shooting first?"
"They did, but that's not the point!"
"Yes it is. Where are we, anyway?"
"Neutral space. The Durham are claiming it's therirs."
"Don't you have a permit?"
"Well, yeah.
Then we can shoot at them."
"Can not!"
"Why?"
"It's the principle of the thing. Now can we get out of here?"
"Alright, alright, plotting course to Betelgeuse."
"You mean you haven't even started yet?"
"That's right. I can only do so many things at once."
'Zappppp! Zzzzzzaaaaaaappppppp!'
"I suggest you start shooting, before it's too late."
"All right, but tell me when you get that course plotted!"
"Will do."
So I started shooting, and they kept on shooting, and 'Bob' plotted a course to Betelgeuse. I blew up one of their ships before we got away.
"I'm doomed, dooooommmmed!"
"Why are you so 'dooooommmmed'?"
"I was under orders not to engage enemy ships, and what do I do, I blow one up!"
"I can give three reasons why you aren't doomed."
"Sure, go ahead."
"One, they engaged us. Two, we ran away."
"Which is worse."
"And why is that?"
"Cowardice in the face of battle."
Didn't you have some important mission to do?"
"Yes."
"So you were just being prudent."
"Purdent. Sure."
"While we're on this subject, what is your mission?"
"I'm not supposed to tell anyone."
"I'm not just anyone, I'm your computer. Trust me, I can help."
"Sure you can, you can't even do two things at once!"
"Hey, I'm only a backup personality! Give me a break!"
"Fine. Do you really want to know?"
"Yes, I do."
"I am on a mission to find the lost colony ship Orion, launched in the year 2000 A.D."
"That's a long time ago. Why are you looking for it now?"
"We recently received a distress call from the Orion. They are in a desprate need for help. They sent this distress call several years ago, so we don't know if they are still alive."
"Several years? Gee, I didn't know governments were that slow."
"Dummy. They hadn't even broken the light barrier way back then. All they could use were radio waves."
"I thought radio waves were only for short range communications."
"For a computer, even a backup computer, you certainly are ignorant."
"I, for your information, am a trained professional."
"In what?"
"Psychiatric counseling."
"Oh, joy. You do know where we are going, don't you?"
"Oh yes, yes. I know exactly where we are going."
"We'd better not hit anything."
"Trust me. I won't let us hit anything."
"How long till we get there?"
"An hour. Tell me why radio isn't just short range communication."
"Radio is used for short range communication because, over short distances, it travels fairly fast. It isn't used over long distances because it travels under the speed of light. Now, light moves pretty fast, but it's still slow compared to other things."
I spent the rest of the hour explaining things to my new computer. Finally, we arrived.
"Well, any sign of life?"
"Nope, nothinng."
"You're sure?"
Fairly sure."
We had found the colony ship in orbit around Betelgeuse 2, a nice looking planet. There was one big landmass, with several large islands ringing it, and a smaler landmass on the other side of the planet. One big ocean, with two big, brown islands. I told Bob to scan the ship, and he said there wasn't anything alive in it bigger than fruit flies, whatever they are. The strange thing was, there wasn't anything alive on the planet, period. Of course, my sensors could have been busted, but if they were, how did we get here without hitting anything? Those sensors weren't very accurate, but they should pickup something!
"All right, let's land."
"Are you sure that's wise?"
"I am supposed to find out what happened to the Orion,"
"And that you have done."
"And provide assistance."
"And that they don't need."
"They may be hiding in something, a cave system maybe, that blocks our sensors."
"I don't read anything like that, and the atmosphere isn't very friendly, either."
"Then dock with the Orion, I need to get the ship's log."
"Alright with me. Just put on your spacesuit."
"I will, I will. By the way, before I forget, transmit my report to HQ, will you?"
"Gotcha."
I went over to the Orion, and found complete devastation. Some of the walls were peeled back like a sardine can. Big puncture holes were in the other walls. I saw scorch marks everywhere else. Someone had put up a big fight. I found the ship's log, and was bringing it back when Bob called through the suit's radio.
"Jess? I would get back here as soon as you can."
"What's going on?"
"I'm not sure, but I think you would want to see this."
I hurried back, almost breaking my leg. When I got back to the ship, I looked through the viewscreen, and was not dissappointed. The landmass that I could see was turning green. For that matter, so was the ocean in the vicinity. And not the green you would expect to see, but a bright green, almost neon green.
"That does not look good."
"No it doesn't."
"Do you know what it is?"
"Haven't a clue."
Before we could say another word, a giant beam of green light shot out of the planet and incinerated the Orion.
"Hey Bob? Let's get out of here."
"I'm with you all the way."
We accelerated out of the Betelgeuse system, and back towards Earth. On the way, I reviewed Orion's log. It turned out they were invaded by what looked like giant panthers. I am talking BIG! They started eating people, and the people fought back. They didn't find out what happened to the planet to make it brown but they did see the energy beam. The people on the Orion decided it was formed in the lower atmosphere, but didn't figure out if it was some weird natural phenomena, or artificial, hor it was aimed, or anything. They were eaten before they could do that. I can only assume that the panther's ship was zapped, too.
The government is going to send a research team to examine Betelgeuse 2, after the war with the Durham is over. If you'll excuse me, I have to get foing now. My ship leaves in five minutes.Link back to my list of Stories
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